The Parenting Culture That Shaped Our Generation

If you were raised after the second world war, you grew up in a cultural experiment that we now know was deeply harmful. Parenting advice at the time was filled with ideas that went directly against human biology:

• Let babies cry until they’re exhausted
• Don’t pick them up too much
• Leave babies alone in incubators
• Don’t “spoil” them with affection
• Children must be independent as early as possible
• Emotions are weakness
• Toughen them up
• Achievement matters more than connection
• Kids are resilient, they’ll figure it out
• Parents don’t need to apologize
• “Because I said so” is enough
• Feelings are inconvenient, dramatic, or manipulative
• Let children sit still, and remove their free will

And on top of that, many of us were latchkey kids, alone for hours every day because both parents were working. Not because they didn’t care, but because society made it impossible to do otherwise. Some say that the feminist movement was quickly hijacked in an attempt to tax everyone. But when both parents are working: who is raising your child? The state? The teacher with 30 other kids? Daycare employees with no emotional understanding?

We were physically safe, but emotionally alone.

This wasn’t individual failure. It was cultural, it left a generation with nervous systems shaped by emotional neglect.

Older generations didn’t grew up in an ideal environment either, their parents also lacked the emotional skills, but what happened in the second half of the 20th century was nothing more than a weird experiment that lead to emotional dark ages.

The most painful thing from my own youth was that I had a lot of material wealth, but I hardly desired any of that. I did not have any connection with my parents for example, no words to describe my inner feelings and I thought that I was the only one.

The Village Disappeared  And We Paid the Price

Humans were never meant to be raised by two overwhelmed adults in an isolated nuclear household.

For most of human history, children were raised by:

• grandparents
• aunts and uncles
• older siblings
• neighbors
• the entire community

This shared emotional load meant no single child had to absorb the stress, trauma, or loneliness of the adults around them.

But in the the village disappeared.

We were raised in emotional isolation, and now, as adults, many of us are collapsing under the weight of what we were never meant to carry alone.

Emotional Neglect Is Invisible – But It Changes Everything

Most people think trauma means violence or chaos. But the most common trauma of our generation was the absence of emotional presence.

We grew up without:

• attunement
• co-regulation
• emotional guidance
• repair after conflict
• adults who could tolerate our feelings
• a sense that our inner world mattered

When a child doesn’t receive emotional attunement, the nervous system learns:

“My emotions are dangerous. I must suppress them to survive.”

This becomes the blueprint for adulthood.

We learned to be “strong,” “independent,” “easy,” “good,” “low‑maintenance.”

We learned to disconnect from our bodies.

We learned to override every signal.

And the body can only do that for so long.

Hypnosis

Because of the unresolved emotional load, you will always be easily triggered. This is often exploited by society, making the wounds even bigger. Listening off guard to the news can program you for example to live in a perpetuated state of fear. This outward projected fear needs to be controlled and maintained. It is very easy to exploit someone who lives in trauma, society will offer you coping mechanisms, systems of control and products to buy. Whatever tactic you choose, it will, in the beginning give a feeling that you are doing something good. Maybe even a sense of euphoria, and the addiction has started.

Manufacturability

Some of my own examples are:

• The birth of me and my sister was started with contraction-inducing drugs 4 weeks earlier, to be sure of a place in the hospital.
• My mum didn’t want to breastfeed us, afraid of sagging breasts.
• School taught me to cope mentally
• I grew up religiously and the abuse of this community was intense
• I learnt to suppress all my feelings until my inner world was no longer there, and only then did I finally became a productive part of society
• I started judging others as hard as I judged myself (unconsciously)
• I seeked enlightenment (the absence of trauma) via spirituality

We can change a lot, but we have to know what we are doing. Understanding human psychology is key. And more importantly: Pick our battles. Don’t fight everything al at once. But when all you know is struggle, how do you know you’re struggling? How do you know you’re fighting? How do you know you are living in a mental prison?

“Why Didn’t Our Grandparents Have These Chronic Ilnesses ?”

They did, but it showed up differently.

Earlier generations expressed emotional overload through:

• “hysteria”
• fainting spells ( I still smirk about the German phenomenon: Kreischlauf)
• “weak nerves”
• alcoholism
• rage
• stoicism that eventually turned into physical illness
• silent suffering that was never named
• Homes for the elderly are full with all kinds of ailments (TMS?).

They didn’t / don’t have the language, the safety, or the cultural permission to talk about emotions.

Their bodies expressed it in the only ways available.

We are probably first generation with enough safety, stability, and awareness to actually feel what was suppressed.

And our bodies are responding.

Breaking the protection wall

When we are traumatized, we create a (mental) defense wall to protect us from these difficult emotions, whenever that wall is crumbling down, stuck emotions will drip into our conscious awareness. At these moments, our brains create the infamous MindBody symptoms and a chronic illness starts.

Sometimes the wall is broken by an overwhelming amount of stress. The body is no longer able to store the stress as it is all too much.  Between 2012 and 2018, the amounts of burn-outs has doubled because of social media and screen addiction.

In the past, people who were sick, started reading books, now they are all addicted to their smartphones. You can’t underestimate this phenomenon. It makes an already bad circumstance even worse with an overwhelming amount of stress hormones. Yes, the algorithms behind your smartphone apps are about dopamine impulses and emotional triggers to keep you stuck in fight or flight. Focus for a while on what kind of video titles and thumbnails you click when you are on YouTube. What is their commonality?

Other times the exact opposite happens. Safety and peace can allow to bring up the suppressed opposites, because peace and war can’t live in the same place at the same time. Body awareness, yoga, meditation and safety can lower our guard, and at that moment the suppressed emotions almost become conscious. Since the beginning of this century, there has been a dramatic increase in wellness oriented methods.

I have coached so many people who were teachers and coaches in spirituality, boundaries, feminine energy, etc. They did everything right, but they couldn’t predict what would happen afterwards.

This means that whatever you will do, it doesn’t matter. It will come to the surface. The stable middle ground of normal has disappeared. Maybe that’s a good thing?

And This Is Why Community Matters

If it takes a village to raise a child, it also takes a village to heal the adult that child became.

We heal from chronic illness in connection.

We heal when we are seen.

We heal when we are no longer alone with our inner world.

This community is part of that village, and your healing is not something you have to do alone.

Let me know what you think about all of this below.