The pain body

Around the year 2005 and 2006, I felt miserable, poor, and couldn’t afford to study. I didn’t have the money to buy all the food I needed. I lived at my father’s home for a while and he couldn’t be bothered to think about any other person than himself or a women that could give him sex. In the year 2000, as a 15 year old kid, I had to start working to buy my clothes and food. I hardly had sufficient clothes. It was a very cold winter, especially when not having proper shoes or a winter jacket. My sister was underfed, but I always made sure that I could eat dinner at a friend’s place. I still love his parents so much for taking care of me.

In the year 2003 I fled to work in Greece, because with the maximum child salaries in the Netherlands I couldn’t afford to have any abundance. By the way, we lived in a huge house, had two expensive cars in the front yard. My father and his wife were not poor and yet they were very poor. An expensive kitchen with no food. A beautiful closet with empty shelves. Pretending to be it. That’s how I explained it to others. Other people always thought we were amazing people. They loved my dad, telling me how lucky I was to have him. My sister was kicked out of the house when she was 17 years old, when she tried to make father pay for her school’s intuition fees, she was forced to hire a lawyer. My father came to her while she was in a house for “hard to parent girls”. He had a charming story, promised her to pay for the school, if she only put a signature on a contract, which stated that she would cancel any legal steps, and he would pay her support with money. My sister signed, she cancelled her lawyer and my father never paid a dime. Instead he would go on luxury trips with his second wife, paid money for IVF procedures to get another child and so on. I never asked my father for anything, I just always tried to get ahead of every situation myself. Because of this period I entered a state of chronic stress, a fight or flight state, which made me extremely alert. But as the years went by, my ability to relax and enjoy life faded away.

I don’t write this to get pity or to make my father kill himself. I understand my father’s reasons for behaving that way. If I had lived my father’s life exactly the same, I would probably have done the same thing. Everybody that hasn’t been liberated has a pain body. You could have inherited it, even before you were born, some babies can’t stop crying. My pain body was formed in my youth when I was bullied at school. When we had terrible atmospheres at home when my parents were still together. And when people were lying to me as a kid, because they didn’t want to talk about their own pain bodies. In my years growing up at my father’s house. When the atmosphere was always fake and no one ever dared to talk about what was really going on, when I couldn’t pay my bills at the age of 18 despite working as a store manager and the bailiff came for me.

It must be easy for you to imagine that I was in a fight or flight mode most of my life. Yet it must be hard to accept that wherever I look I see people bowed down from similar burdens that they don’t even know of. As my chronic stress state started really early I can recognise others in this state. You can see it when a person is alone and travels from one point to another point. It looks like they are somewhere else all the time. I see that people gradually enter this state while they try to achieve society’s standards, like having a job, a house, a holiday etc.  I only found out about pain body in 2016. It was so familiar, that I didn’t even notice it. If your parents passed over their pain body to you before they were born, and your grandparents passed it on to your parents, you can imagine how big the burden has become.

A pain body is an unprocessed trauma that still lives inside you. It is screaming for attention. And because it has probably always been there, you don’t even notice it. But it’s the reason for your distractions, desires, non-stop identifying with thoughts and addictions. Because it feels so uncomfortable you would do anything to escape from it. As a kid all I wanted was to be happy, so I grew skills in entertaining people. Later on that became my job. I did big shows and everybody was enjoying it, but for me it never really did the job of becoming happy myself. So after every show my mind would come up with bigger ideas, to make it bigger, funnier, fancier, whatever it could possibly come up with. And because of all this pretending to be happy, I needed loads of alone time.

Imagine the pain body from my father. I was always angry at him. But once I understood the burden that he carries with him, I felt really sorry for him. I pity his pain.

My pain body was about 20-30 big traumas, like not being likeable, not being worthy and the list goes on. Although I was a pretty successful adult I kept attracting these traumas over and over again. I knew I was worthy, but the feeling stayed. It would come up randomly as people talked to me. My feeling said,  “it’s weird that these people bother to try and talk with someone as unworthy as me.” I tried to dismiss this feeling, because my mind knew it wasn’t true. Yet for my entire life I struggled with having friends and feelings of unworthiness.

Sometimes you see the pain body showing up in yourself and others, especially in a relationship. Probably in a moment when you are too weak to suppress it, like when you are tired. Suddenly there is screaming, yelling, or even physical violence. In the beginning you might think that the other was the reason that you entered in the state of the pain body. Sometimes after a while you become conscious again and don’t even remember why you started it anyway. Some people become violent after drinking. A few drinks might have given you a state under thinking, and given you a temporal relief of thoughts, but a few drinks more and you become unconscious and the pain body finds its way through you. The next day, when you can control yourself better, you might even think, “Oh what have I done?”

My first girlfriend and I were together for almost 8 years. Every other week, we were not able to keep the pain bodies inside and we started fighting and screaming at each other. The pain body needs this kind of negativity, it feeds on it. It needs your attention and gets it via negativity. If you have given it its weekly portion of negativity, you might not hear from it for another week, until you have a new moment of weakness. Many so-called spiritual people find themselves having difficulty with suppressing this pain body. But you can only suppress it for so long and the longer you have suppressed it, the more destructive the consequences will become, when the pain body sees an opportunity to show itself.

The true question is not how to suppress it, but how to deal with it. How do I go to the root of my issues instead of trying to mask it by future desires, projects or distractions. How can we really feel into ourselves and express who we are? Go through the pain and find the beauty underneath it. Of course this is hard work, as you’ve tried for years to pretend it wasn’t there. Maybe you are so trained to not see it, that the only suggestion that you have issues, gives you a burst in anger, which is then caused by another person.

Healing is hard and opening up to yourself might be the hardest part of the healing process. But working on your issues might just be the key to reducing your symptoms.