There is darkness inside all of us. No matter how perfect your lives have been so far, no matter how desperate you are trying to hide it under the carpet. The darkness inside has tolerantly waited many years to be acknowledged. Life was patient and kept sending you experiences to realise that there is indeed a darkness inside. But no matter how hard it knocked, you prevailed in denying the part of you that is dark, the fraction of your true being that is also most vulnerable.
The purpose of pain and fatigue.
In my previous blog post about the purpose of pain and fatigue, I wrote how the purpose of fatigue could be to protect yourself from yourself, the darker part inside. Instead of becoming conscious about it, we have stuck up what we now experience as a disease, our darkness. It feasts upon our muscles and life energy. It has become a cancer that prohibits us from living. And while we have suffered from these internalised energies for years, we are still in the dark about its existence.
The human shadow
Carl Jung called it the human shadow. He chose this word with care, as a shadow is not something we can grasp, it is not something we can get rid of. Depending on the position of the light, the shadow can change shapes and position. The closer you move to the light, the bigger the shadow becomes. Collectively as a species who didn’t grow up with unconditional love, we have learned to fear aspects of who we are. We have learned to deny the rough edges of our soul that complete us into our full being. We have learnt to cing to the little light and deny the rest of the room. The rest of the room is who we are as well as trying to let us see it, because it is in pain.
When our mums warned us for hurting ourselves, it was their fear we had to deal with, not ours. When we saw that our anger was not accepted by our caretakers we learned to bury it. So many aspects of who we are, were denied by others and later by ourselves. It was a matter of survival to adapt to society’s standards. We became ashamed for who we are and showed the world a mask of pretense that felt very hollow and real at the same time. We always knew something was wrong, but we couldn’t pinpoint it, it had become so normal. Normal and natural can be opposites in a world like ours. When you deny your own fragments again and again and it sends you signals of unworthiness or loneliness, do you honestly believe you have to find the answers outside of yourself?
The pain inside us
If our pain and fatigue protect us from something, what could it be? I have come to understand that the fatigue is nothing compared to the pain inside us. There is a well with the most frightening feelings and pain inside us. If you would dig everything up at once you would probably die from overwhelming sensations. It took me 5 years of emotional healing and introspection to arrive at this point in the well. The bottom of the stockpile of what I initially called a stress bucket. Stress is a vague word on its own and can be misinterpreted. Real stress is at the bottom of the stock pile and it has nothing to do with what you know about the word stress. It is horror, it is dark and it is preventing us from living. Your body does everything to not let you feel these horrors as it would completely destroy your self-image. A self-image, a mask, the ego is a survival mechanism and therefore confronting your own horrors is equal to death for the mind.
Little drips of darkness
When it comes, when it becomes conscious. Many things can happen. Trembling, shaking, shivering, heart aches, migraines, screams, vomiting, gaging, crying, etc. You will know it when it happens. The pain would not be unfamiliar as you have lived with it many years. The question is, do you still want to fight it? This is a valid question as the choice to deny it and live a life of fatigue might be easier. I completely understand the decision that we are unconsciously making. The better question is, when does the fatigue become worse than the actual pain inside? When does the suffering become too much? People with ME/CFS are in my eyes the strongest people alive. They are so strong, that their body becomes weak,
The divided mind
Dr Sarno called one his books the divided mind, it has helped millions by now to heal from chronic symptoms. The title could be vague at first, but by understanding how conflicted we are inside of ourselves, we have taken the first step to heal.
We have to admit that we are not as perfect as our masks pretend to be. That we are not holy, in the old sense of meaning. That perfectionism has enlarged our shadow as we deep down don’t want to be a goodist. We don’t want to please others and live responsable lives. We detest perfectionism and control. Life wants to live and be free. Our coping mechanisms have imprisoned us, literally. And now the imprisoned part of us is trying to kill the prison ward to escape. With our last piece of energy we hold on to our self-image and internalise our shadow. We are rather eaten from the inside than judged by the outside.
Many “smart” people have to accept they are not as knowledgeable as they believe they are. Knowledge is often a coping mechanism. We fool ourselves that knowledge makes us feel secure when our internal world is anything but safe. It makes us reside in the head, away from the body. The holy attic of a house on fire. Knowledge is based on words, words are based on duality and in this universe truth can’t be spoken. Everything we can say or think is a perspective only, based on a prism in which we filter the light of consciousness. All perspectives can live together as none of them are valid on their own. Every perspective needs the opposite, without it, it cannot exist. Together they form wholeness. Yin and Yang. Both truths need to be expressed by you. The world is a beautiful place and at the same time I want it to burn. I love my family, (only on certain occasions). I want to impress you and yet I don’t give a shit about you. Both are aspects of who you are.
Healing comes from wholeness. In my language it is the same word. Just like combining all points of view, we need to combine the shadow with the light. Both will exist, both are allowed. Allowing the shadow happens in little drips. Focus on the stockpile in the lowest chakra. Allow the pain, the anger, the rejection, the fear, the separation and the shame in your life. Give the inner scream a voice and trust upon the wisdom behind the process. Treat yourself as a whole being. Write confirmations that it is okay to be angry. This way you can reprogram your unconscious mind and it doesn’t need to be internalised.
The flow of life
Be prepared for the darkness to rise. In the end, all you have to do is to get out of the way. Let life do its thing. Understand that any judgement is made out of fear and that to love means to take something as a part of yourself. Fear caused you to split, love will cause you to heal. You are not a dualistic being. You are oneness, life itself. Healing is your nature.