What is the basis of your self-worth?

Think about the title for a while: What things are important for you to do or be in order to have self-worth? If I phrase the question this way, doesn’t it sound a little odd? Of course, many of the answers to this question might be in your unconscious mind. If you have to do something for your own worth, then somehow a program is running your life. It becomes so automatic that we forget that the computer programs are running on Windows 95.

Now let’s see some common answers that I have gotten:

  • Being a good person
  • Being a good father
  • Being a responsible person
  • Making sure others are alright
  • Winning arguments
  • Providing
  • Help others, be kind, be loving, etc.

Well, the list goes on and on. Do you notice the problem with these answers? It is all based on the stuff you have to do. How big is your list of shoulds? When you can’t do these things anymore due to a disease or something, you lack the possibility of complying with your mental picture of eventually (never) reaching self-worth. We come from a society where value is based on accomplishments, but is this natural? Are we human beings or human doings?

Opposites

Obviously, the man who wants to be a good person does not feel that he is a good person. He has an internal to-do list that, in his mind, might give him self-worth. But if he is really honest, the feeling of unworthiness never disappears. He will always need to do a little more to become a good person. Who wants to be a millionaire? Someone who feels he is broke. Who wants to please others? Someone who needs to please themselves.

The problem when you are sick is that you can’t meet your mind’s standards anymore. Leaving you behind with your familiar, unworthy feeling. You can’t escape (fight or flight) from the feeling any longer. Maybe, in a way, this is the purpose of disease—to feel what is already there. Do you feel guilt because you can’t meet your own standards any longer? An emotion comes as a reaction towards what is happening, sometimes this involves negative belief systems. In this case, you might deep down believe you are unworthy. (clue: most of us feel unworthy.)

Emotional healing and self worth

First of all, feel the emotion of guilt. Then explore the feeling of unworthiness. What does it mean? Feel it in your body, too. This takes time: grounding, calming down, going offline, doing a body scan, and some yoga nidra to rebuild a connection with your body.

Imagine you are the inner child—an emotional wound inside of you that is not processed. You still act and feel as if you were a child who was in an emotionally difficult moment or period. You live in the body of this “adult.” The adult always runs away from you by trying to be a good person for others, providing for others, etc. You see this “adult” as your parent. But she is always prioritizing others. How does that make you feel? Unworthy, right? So in this case, the coping mechanism of trying to be a good person causes the feeling itself. This is a negative loop.

A loop based on stress, suppressing emotions in the body, and eventually getting sick. When you are sick, you can’t do it anymore. You need other distraction strategies to avoid the inner pain. This will resemble the fight-or-flight mode. You can use a social media addiction that gives you the necessary dopamine kick to keep running away from the feeling. Until you can’t open your eyes any longer,.

A child needs love and guidance from their parents. Unfortunately, most of them are unable to give it to their children. A child copies the same behavior as the adults or is being told to do something. The child complies, in the hope of receiving much-needed love. Over time, the child becomes meaner to their own emotions and feelings and automatically flees into “inner parent coping dialogues and behaviors.”.

Coaching

The irony is that we keep treating ourselves the same way as our adults, who caused the emotional issue in the first place. Didn’t your parents reject your emotional pain just like you are now rejecting it yourself? If you think about it, humans are very mean to themselves. This is why I feel self-hatred in most people. Will you pass this behavior on to your children?

In my coaching sessions, I can guide you to face the root cause of all the distress. Unfortunately, we suppressed not only one emotion, but thousands of them. Finding and resolving the emotion is one way to heal the emotional body. Another way is to stop the fight-or-flight behavior, after that it will eventually come up automatically. If the brain protects you against these emotions with symptoms, you will experience mindbody symptoms instead.

And with each conscious choice you make, you will need to do less and less to be a worthy human. You are closing programs and slowly changing your operating system to inner peace.