Having friends and to be accepted is one of the most important things for a child. Together with the need for competence and autonomy this forms the three basic needs for a child. But as a kid we have probably all learned that love is conditional. You are liked if you do this and that. You get a good note if you excel in school and bad notes if you aren’t. I was always the youngest at school, together with my sister we were born prematurely in September, If we were born in October, we would have been the oldest in the next class. I couldn’t write my name in kindergarten. Nothing abnormal, but all the other children could. I developed a feeling of not being good enough at this age, because I was compared with older children. The same thing happened at the football club. I had to join the lowest team at the age of 6, and was always playing against older children. Because of that reason you don’t see many professional (adult) ballers born in September. You might think, okay that can be a fact but I am not born in September. Well notice that sooner or later the same result will occur in your need to find love and acceptance.
Before the three basic needs is the need for safety, if this need isn’t met at a young age, a child could develop disadvantages and has to put the need for the three basic developments on hold. These children will eventually become adults who are still struggling with these basic needs. In my time as a school teacher I came to see that the school results of the children were based on their home situation. One child at the age of ten still had the speaking abilities of a 6 year old. He never received any love at home, his mum was an addict. All this boy needed was some love and safety, instead he had to go to a special school. A school that costs the society per student more than twice the amount of a normal school. Whenever I saw this child I decided to give him hugs, you should have seen his eyes twinkling.
Many people see a child as a bunch of clay that needs to be moulded. I see a being as a flower that needs to be watered, if you cut off too many branches the flower won’t grow. I believe that someone is who he/she is. You can either suppress it, or let it grow. You might say, yes but what if the child is in essence a murderer? Well most destructive behaviour is a consequence of suppression. Yet we have all learned to mould our being into something that is accepted. As a result we have lots of inauthentic humans on the planet.
I reject my lazy side and instead I try to be productive. I hate my job, yet I have worked there for years now. I dislike you, yet I am laughing with a fake smile to you. As you see in these three examples the inner world is not a reflection of the outer world, and the outer world is not a reflection of the inner world. This is inauthenticity. This state of pretending is so accepted that we call it normal. Normal and natural are two very different things.
Are you a person that often needs his or her alone time? By nature we are a very social species, in tribes that are still living away from our society, you don’t see people needing alone time. If you feel good alone and when someone comes in, your brain starts thinking: “what do I have to be or say for that person to like me?”, you are being inauthentic. Being inauthentic will drain you, and thus give you the need for alone time. Fatigue and pain can often be psychosomatic, have you ever noticed your symptoms to increase after a certain social situation?
You might say, I know it’s spiritual to forgive others, so you can pretend to be spiritual and suppress any feelings of hate or disgust. Look at my yoga pictures, I am so amazing. Well, are you? Because when you would, you wouldn’t need to show off about it.